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by Chris Devers

Question by ohliela: Child visitation in spite of life threats against entire family and protective order?

I apologize that this is so long, but I really hope someone can help in some way. I made some serious misjudgments and have been suffering the consequences for a long time now. I really need help.

I was introduced to a man a few years ago and I could tell right away that there was no way in the world I wanted to be dating him. But he seemed so bewildered and lonly that I decided to try to be a friend to him and help him. He had very poor grammer and very little common sense (he told me he dropped out of the 8th grade), had greasy hair, wore dirty, stained, ripped clothes and stunk. (I am not picking on him, please do not think that). He lived in filthy conditions. His house was filthy and unsanitary. As example: clothes laying around, dishes, silverware and steak knives all over the house with mold growing on them, used q-tips on the counters in the kitchen and all over the bathroom floor, tub and sink, tons of dirt and muck on the wood floors, tools laying around…the list goes on. Well I felt sorry for him and thought he just needed a friend to help him get his life in order. So I simply told him that I was not interested in dating but that I would be happy to be his friend.

The very next day, I recieved several phone calls from him accusing me of cheating on him! You see, I had a male friend who I spent time with the day before, but that should not matter since I plainly told him that I was not interested in dating him and would only be friends with him. So I told him that and I stopped talking to him. Two weeks later he called and was sorry and wanted to be friends again. I reminded him that we would ONLY be friends, nothing more. He agreed to that. Then, the very next day, he did it again! So again, I stopped talking to him and decided that was just a little too freaky for me.

Three months later, I see him in the store parking lot. He sincerely apologises for his previous behaviour, makes small talk with me and finds out that I am working on my car. He offerd to help, and I really needed help so I stupidly accepted. For a while it seemed that things were going fine. He was being nice. We ended up being friends. But as the months went by, I noticed weird things. He would drive by the back of our apartment daily several times a day. I am niave so I thought that he always took that way to work and to friends houses or something. He was actually stalking us. He would want to be with us all the time, so I took that as being insecure and needing a good friend. So I helped him with various things. I bought him new clothes and shoes. I cleaned up his house. I cut his hair. We would rent a movie and get pizza and hang out. He showed me all of his various guns and arrowhead collection, baseball cards and such. I did some remodeling and painting in his house. We would take him shopping for food for his house at least once a week and spend time with him to be his friend and provide him with some conpanionship. I taught him how to do laundry and how to keep the house clean. I tried to teach him some grammer but it was hard for him to grasp easily. (Agian, I am not picking on him, I just need to make clear how he is both mentally and emotionally) He professed his love for me on several occaisions and I had to daily remind him that we were not dating and that we were only friends. He stated several times that he wanted to have a baby with me. I reminded him again and again that we were only friends. I started noticing that we would run into him at different places we went, stores, parks, gas stations… I thought it was coincidental, but he was again stalking us. (Clarifying, when I say “US” I mean me and my three little girls. I was freshly divorced and lived alone with my three girls.)

He started dropping in on us un announced all the time. Banging on the doors an d windows. He barged into our home once without knocking and started yelling at me saying I was hiding a man in my home and cheating on him and demanded to search the house. I told him that first of all, we were not dating and that second of all, I would not cheat on anyone I WAS with, so he had no right either way to barge into our home and scare my children and accuse me of anything.

Understand, this was ongoing, but it was not constant. He would have his moments and then he would apologize severly with tears and I would stupidly accept. I am a sap.

Ok, I am going to try to shorten this. As time went on, things grew worse. He had me over to his house and started talking about his guns and forced me into sex. I of course ended up pregnant. (I was dating someone at this time and was having a sexual relationship so I was hoping the baby was not my stalkers but the guys I was dating instead. We knew we would find out soon enough when the baby was born) He started threatening me because I would not date him. Saying things like “I am going to shoot your he

He started threatening me because I would not date him. Saying things like “I am going to shoot your head off!” He even told this to a friend of mine, and several other people in town. He wrote threatening letters to me. One of them said how he was going to read about me in the papers. Obituaries i guess? I gave them to the police. Months went by and I had the baby. She was nothing like him! She was amost a replica of the man I had been dating so we were happy and he put his name on the birth certificate and signed the afidavit accepting her as his. But the man stalking me knew I had gotten pregnant and had the baby, and was obsessed with it being his, and he would chase us in his car down busy highwayswith all the kids and the baby in the van with us, scaring us. Stalking us even more and Looking into our house windows spying on us. We were afraid for our lives and afraid to even go outside to enjoy the day. We had to close ourselves in and became prisoners in our home. Life was a liv
Life was a living nightmare. I found out that he had gone around to friends and family of his and told everyone that we were dating and going to get married and move away together. And I found out that he told several people that he was going to shoot my head off. He also said that one of my daughters was the cause of us not being together, so that put her life in immediate danger.

In the meantime, I was trying to get a protective order. The system stinks, they said they needed his address, then they needed his social security number and birth date, then they needed his work address… so this went on forever before they gave me the protective order.
The judge put all of us, including the baby, on the protective order.

Almost two years later, he went to court and demanded paternity. I got a lawyer through legal aid, but he was of no help at all. I ended up having to let him go. The judge knew that I had a signed afidavit showing a father. I guess he forgot about it though
I guess he forgot about it though because they went ahead and had the paternity test done anyway. It proved to be his (the stalkers). So the court decided to let him have visitation, and they were going to give him the right to take her and have her all alone!! So I ended up dropping the protective order so that I could be the supervisor for the visitation and that puts the rest of us in danger again now as well. But it was better to be the supervisor myself than to have his family or friends supervise. They are mostly like he is. His mother is ok but the rest of the family is really messed up. All his siblings seem to be handicapped mentally and really wierd and most of them still live at home even though they are in their thirties and forties. His friends are all like he is. I believe a child should have their father in their lives. I was without mine and really wanted him there. My other three kids see their daddy. That is good for them. But this man is the acception. He is so mad
He is so mad at me for not being his that I am actually afraid that he will kill her to spite me, or kidnap her! And honestly even if he was not a threat to us, he is not a bright guy and makes a lot of mistakes and has so little common sense and all the filth and unsanitary conditions he lives in, she is in danger from that too! On top of all this, the place he lives in now is worse than how he lived before, and he is back to being dirty all the time and wearing filthy clothes and stinking all the time. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he says he looks fine and is comfortable this way and does not care what people think. I do not know what to do and it is not fair that I cannot protect my little girl from this man. I am really scared. I have no money for a lawyer. What do I do? That is my question.
Understand please that all of this is documented and the police are aware. The judge is aware as well. The judge gave me the protective order. The only reason I had to drop it was so that I could be the supervisor for visitation. All of which the judge approved. But the judge, even with the protective order in place, offers us no protection. He is the one who approved the visitation even though the baby was on the protective order too. I am at a loss.
In answer to the question about why I didnt press rape charges… Rape is a hard thing to prove in the first place from what I hear and they seem to place the blame on the woman. He did not leave any physical evidence of force like hurting me in any way. He had his guns and scared me into it. It was not by choice, but since I gave in I would imagine that it would not hold up in court as rape even if he did have his guns because I cant prove any of it. Does that make sense? I felt helpless and felt noone would believe me. I feel helpless with all of this. I really tried to get out of the situation. I really wish I could run away and change my name, but it is all in the court system. They approve of him getting visitation and I cant even send a letter to the judge without making a copy and sending it to the stalker as well according to the courthouse rules. I cant let the judge know how I am feeling without being afraid that the stalker will come take our lives if I speak up.

Best answer:

Answer by sillygirl
WOW! You need more than yahoo! answers for this one! You need a good lawyer, detective AND shrink for your situation! All I can tell you is to document EVERYTHING….get a calender and mark any incident.

Having sex with a grimey dude was more than a gross mistake and may cost you alot of time and money…he sounds like a real lunatic! GOOD LUCK!

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